Hello! I want to start my blog by telling you a little more about me that you can't find on the "About" page. As you may have already read, I have been struggling with my mental health for much of my life. I began feeling intense anxiety when I was about ten years old. I was obsessive about schoolwork, constantly questioning myself, putting an immense amount of pressure on myself, and had a lot of social anxiety. By twelve years old, I started to turn my anxiety towards food and my body. I did not have the typical body for a young teenager. I was overweight and very self-conscious. I found safety in controlling my intake and exercise, and it made me feel like I was fixing myself. I was on and off of diets and exercise regimens for a short period, always trying to change my body during Summer break in an effort to go back to middle school the following year skinnier and more confident.
By the beginning of High School, I had developed a severe eating disorder and depression, and yet no one noticed there was an issue until I was seventeen. Everyone thought my efforts to lose weight and exercise were "healthy" and "well-intentioned."At the end of my senior year in my tiny hometown High School, I was sent away to my first Residential treatment center and was absent from my High School Graduation. Thus began the cycle of treatment centers and hospital admissions that would continue until recently.
During this cycle, I attempted to go to college. I went to a state school for about two years, during which I was hospitalized and sent away a few times because of the pressure I put on my mind and body. Eventually, I dropped out of the state college after my sophomore year and entered a six-month round of treatment. When I got home, I went back to the local community college in an attempt to secure an Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts, with hopes of being able to finish my Bachelor's. Well, that never happened. I got the Associate's about four years after finishing High School, but my attempt to get a Bachelor's didn't go well. College causes me a lot of anxiety and internal struggle. I am a chronic perfectionist who puts undue pressure on myself at every opportunity. I obsessively do schoolwork until I break, and it's been that way since childhood. So I tried, but after a month and a half of my attempt at a Bachelor's, I was admitted to the hospital again. Since then, I've tried to get a certification in medical assisting, but it was the same story of obsession, not eating, and other behaviors that led me to a psychiatric unit, an eating disorder unit, and an eating disorder residential.
College isn't the path that's right for me, and I'm in the process of trying to take the shame and disappointment away from that. I had big dreams as a child and teenager, but college isn't an environment I thrive in. I have a lot of fear about my future because I lack a bachelor's degree. Not many jobs want someone with only an Associate's in Liberal Arts, and I don't have much work experience. So, I've decided to try a career in writing because I love reading, telling stories, and creating. I'm enrolled in a Coursera course that will hopefully teach me more about creative writing, and I'm taking every opportunity to learn from others. Writing puts my anxiety at ease and takes me to a place away from my life, or sometimes even brings more awareness to my life, which isn't a bad thing all the time. My goal in writing is to bring awareness to mental illness and the experiences people have in day-to-day life while healing. I'm also very interested in fantasy, so maybe I'll try my hand at that someday.
My goal in telling you all this is not to evoke pity but to bring awareness and take shame away from the struggle. I used to hide behind a face of faux confidence, but the truth is that I feel a lot of shame. By bringing parts of my story into the light, I hope it inspires others to stop hiding behind shame and fear and, instead, to embrace that everyone's life journey is different. My story is different from that of others in my high school and college, just like yours is different from mine. Not everyone has a straightforward path, and that's okay, even though it's hard to come to terms with sometimes.
Anyway, now that you know a little about my journey, I want to share some fun, interesting, and random things about myself.
My favorite type of pizza is white with broccoli. I know a lot of people hate it, but I find it delicious.
I love researching first names. I like making lists of all the names that I like, creating unique names for characters, and fantasizing about what I will name my future children. Names are just so cool!
I like to paint. I haven't done so in a few months, but painting is another way to express my feelings when words won't do the trick.
My favorite music artist is Meghan Trainor. She promotes self-confidence, independence, body positivity, and self-expression, and I am here for it!
My favorite place is Barnes & Noble. I feel at home amongst the shelves of books; it's like a different world of endless possibilities when I walk through the doors.
Tell me a little about you in the comments!
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