I have that nagging feeling in my chest again — the constant bickering between my fears, wants, and needs. It always comes up when my eyes open at 6:00 a.m. and probably continues into some of my dreams the next night. Everything is a worry that needs to be worried about.
During my session with my lovely dietitian this week, I noticed a pattern in my words. Much of what I said was "I'm fine," "It's fine," or "Everything is fine!" I tend to start screaming, "Everything is fine!" to my dietitian when it feels like the whole world is exploding around me. As I have severe anxiety, the world almost always feels like it's exploding around me, so I say it quite often. She suggested to me, as usual, that it's okay not to be fine; we can be fine and not be fine, but we can also be in the grey area of "Life is just happening, and that's okay." I try to believe her, but that's another black-and-white cognitive distortion that I need to work on.
I wondered, while convincing myself that I was fine, "Am I the only one who feels this way? Do others experience the tornado of thoughts and the response of "Everything is fine!" There are memes about it, but do the people behind them genuinely feel the fear? Do they feel the racing heart, churning stomach, headaches, shakiness, shallow breathing, and clenched shoulders that I feel? Or are they just joking about an anthropomorphized dog in a house fire? Anxiety is a unique experience for everyone, and for everyone, that could mean different symptoms. So sure, the meme posters could have some natural human anxiety, as most people on Earth do. But do the memes reveal a genuine gaze into the world of someone with mental illness, or are they just trying to get laughs and likes?
Let's talk a little bit about anxiety, worry, and overwhelm and see where this discussion takes us. Why do we diminish our worries by telling everyone that we are fine? Is it a defensive mechanism used out of fear of being judged or ridiculed? I think I diminish my worries because it keeps others around me from worrying about me. How ironic. Would the world be better if we were open to telling our families, friends, co-workers, or bosses that we aren't "fine?"
If you need to leave the blog because it's causing too much anxiety, picture me screaming, "Everything is FINE!" to all the inanimate objects in my room and my very helpful dietitian during a video call. It'll make you laugh :).
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