Have you ever been in a situation where you were trying to help someone, maybe a friend, family member, or close colleague, who also has mental health issues? Perhaps you felt open to helping. Maybe you're in a place on your own recovery journey where you can help others. But maybe neither of those things apply, and you just felt overwhelmed and anxious about the situation at hand. That's okay, too!
Let me provide you with a scenario. Let's say that a dear friend comes over one day and starts talking about how bad their depression has gotten. They confide in you that they are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide (not active thoughts, just passive, at least for now). This concerns you, but the problem is that you have very similar thoughts right now. Your mind is telling you that using self-harming behaviors or taking your life would be better and that you deserve it. Are you in a place to be aiding your friend with their struggles? Do you really have the capacity to handle both your thoughts and your friend's concerning thoughts?
This is a scenario where you could use the concept of "staying in your own recovery lane." This notion states that sometimes it is best for everyone's mental health to be a distant supporter rather than someone actively on the battlefield fighting for others to feel better. Of course, you want to help your friend, but right now, that's not a good place for you to be in.
Picture this: You are driving on the highway (in whatever your dream car preference is) toward "Recoveryville." It's a quaint little town that probably has many old bookshops, experienced therapists and dietitians, cafes brimming with lattes and pastries, and cute puppies just wandering the cobblestone streets waiting for people to pet them. But suddenly, someone comes up behind you and starts tailgating you. You are in the far right lane, so you are entitled to actually drive the speed limit, or slightly below, and you are doing so for your own safety. But this person behind you, through no fault of their own, is also trying to get to "Recoveryville" by driving as quickly as possible because they need help now! Should you pull over on the busy highway and risk your safety to let them pass, or should you stay in your lane and wait for them to decide to go around you? This is a hard choice because you know the person behind you. You can see that your friend is the one driving. You want to aid in them getting to their desired destination, but you also need to ensure that you get to "Recoveryville" safely for your own good.
There are times in our lives when it is okay to pull over on the highway to aid a friend. Maybe the highway isn't that busy, or there's a rest stop on the side of the road that is safe and away from the other traffic. But there are also times when you must stay in your lane because that's what's best for you.
Now, let's pull off an exit and get back to the real-life situation. You're sitting with your friend in your room, listening to their thoughts and feelings. You feel tense and anxious. You don't know what to say because you're having the same problems. Or maybe you're not having the same exact problem and are dealing with a different issue that is also causing struggle. No matter the situation, if you aren't in a place where you can actively support someone without causing damage to yourself, you need to "stay in your recovery lane." That could mean setting boundaries with the friend and putting some distance between yourselves for a bit. That could mean saying, "I'm sorry, friend, but I can't help you right now for my own well-being. Would you be open to talking to someone else about it?" Or if it's a particularly toxic relationship where you feed off of each other's struggles, it may be best to end the relationship so that you can both get the help you need without hurting each other.
That last one may be hard to hear, but it's the truth for many people in the process of recovery. Sometimes, having friends or others who have their own intimate knowledge of mental health struggles is beneficial because it provides an environment of understanding. But, sometimes, it just makes our struggles more evident and leads to toxicity. I've had to do the mental health buddy breakup before. It's not fun, and it won't be fun if I ever have to do it again in the future, and it's also necessary in many situations.
No matter where you are on your journey, it's okay to set boundaries with people for your well-being. Sometimes, these boundaries are temporary, and sometimes, they're not, but either way, you are valid for setting them. Staying in your own recovery lane is essential for your own life and future. Always take the time to make sure that you are in a place where you are ready to offer support when asked, and if not, keep going slow and steady in your lane.
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